Inadequate

As of late, I have felt very inadequate. It goes like this: As I venture further into my passion for biblical history and scholarship, I realize how much I don't know and how much so many people in the field do know. Simultaneously, I am feeling more and more disconnected from the call to ordained ministry. Don't get me wrong, I still feel a deep desire to minister to people and help them, but my emotional connection to the ministry itself is waning. . .quickly. Therefore, inadequacy sums it up. And I'm not going to attach some cheesy/tired platitude about God being adequate or sufficient when I'm not. It's true, I'm sure. . .but truthfully, at the moment, I don't feel it.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of Your waterfalls

I often wonder how God thinks and feels. Is He one to experience human emotion, or are our anthropopathisms a mere grasp at the unnamed and immeasurable emotions of the One? What can be said of a being or force that at once feels and acts for, towards, and because of a countless quantity of life-forms in Its own universe or creation? Obviously, we could never fully comprehend what He perceives or how He gauges existence (I use "He" because it is traditional). But I am confident that at times, He and I are one in thought or feeling. For a moment, His sympathy transcends His own transcendence, and we are one in the immanence of Suchness; and through that, I am able to, if but for a fleeting moment, know a bit of the "more than Presence" that I claim to serve. And of course, if I were to give more of myself, I might encounter more of these bittersweet jots of "it all". I imagine, then, that knowing or "having relationship with" God has very little to do with acquiescing to a system of soteriological dogma or practice (in other words, it's not about believing certain things to be factually true or behaving a certain way). This relationship is absolutely defined by acknowledging the Eternal, and consciously interacting with Him whose throne is in Heaven. We can learn the way of that celestial home, and with the Spirit, make it a reality here for the generations that come after us. That is the only Heaven we will ever know. . .